When I tell people I’m a matchmaker, I always get the “That must be the greatest job ever!” response. Considering my previous experiences in corporate America, it possibly is. Usually, I do a great job in picking clients I work well with. Yet, every now and then there is that ONE client who makes me consider going back to corporate America for… like… a second.
My clients’ information and experiences are confidential so I can’t give you all the tea but I’ll share what I’m legally allowed. I send clients on what we call an “introduction” aka a date. After each introduction, both parties complete a questionnaire to share how they felt about the date. I do this so that dates aren’t awkward with “So, do you like me?” questions. This way, both parties can go on the date, in a no pressure environment, and provide honest feedback on whether they like each other or not. Got it? Cool.
After a particular introduction, the client’s feedback made it sound like an amazing experience. Long story short, it was one of the best dates she’d been on in her life. Yesss! That makes it a match, right? In this case, no. When I received the guy’s response, he was just not that into her. Here I am… left to tell the woman, who believes she’s met her life partner, that he didn’t feel the same.
How did she respond? She was angry at him. She was mad at me. She was mad at everybody! She simply could not handle rejection. She’s not the only one though. I see it in the comments on my Facebook page. I see it on memes on IG. I hear it in consultations with clients.
Can you handle rejection? Here are clear signs you have a problem with rejection
- You get angry when someone isn’t romantically interested in you? We’ve all seen this person before. You know the “You aren’t all that anyway” guy. You will jump through hoops to get someone’s attention. Then, say they’re not attractive when the feelings aren’t mutual. Instead of accepting when someone isn’t interested, you make yourself feel better by attempting to belittle the other person.
- You judge the person they actually are interested in. You can’t accept when someone chooses another person over you. So you judge every inch of the person they chose. “She doesn’t even have a degree.” “She’s not even that pretty.” You try to make yourself feel better by belittling the competition.
- You say something is wrong with them. These are the self-proclaimed “good guys” of social media. You pursue a woman. She turns you down. Instead of considering she just might not be physically attracted to you, you say she doesn’t want a… wait for it… “good guy.” You never consider that you have a habit of pursuing women who are not attracted to you for whatever reason. You try to make yourself feel better by assuming there MUST be something wrong with other people. AS IF you are so amazing it is impossible for a sane person to not be attracted to you.
- You change yourself. This is the person who would rather be with a specific person than be with someone they’re actually compatible with. The guy you want is spiritual and not religious so you stop going to church and start meditating. He thinks marriage is just a piece of paper. Although you’ve been planning your wedding since you were a kid, all of a sudden marriage is not important to you. You will do whatever it takes to avoid rejection from the one guy you MUST be with. You make yourself feel better by assuming if you just change this one thing the person you desire will want you back.
- You generalize an entire group of people. This is the man who says “Black women only like men who are thugs” or the woman who says “Black men are intimidated by successful women.” When in reality, you were turned down a couple of times and would rather assume ALL black men or black women aren’t interested in you. So, you take yourself out of the dating game to avoid rejection. You feel better by removing yourself from the dating pool.
Here is the truth about rejection. You ready? It usually has NOTHING to do with you. When a person says they’re not interested in you, they’re simply saying you’re not compatible. They’re not saying they’re better than you. They’re not saying you don’t deserve love. They’re not saying something is wrong with you. They’re saying, “Not me.” or “Not right now.” Which is good news for you because you can focus your energy on the millions of other options out there.
Dating is much more simple than we want to admit.
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PUBLIC NOTE: The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not reflect the view of the I Am Beautiful 365, affiliates or partners.
Jas Turner is a professional matchmaker and founder of Black Match Made, a matchmaking service responsible for working with hundreds of singles leading to dating, relationships, and even marriage.